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Tawa ka muna dux

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Tawa ka muna dux

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:34 pm

" Make me feel Like a real woman"

I'm sitting on this plane, eating my dinner, when all of a sudden the captain comes on the loudspeaker and tells us that the plane is about to crash land into the mountains. The next thing I know this woman from the front of the plane jumps up from her seat and starts screaming like a lunatic.
"I can't die today! I WON'T die today! I am twenty-seven years old! I have been on countless dates and no one has ever made me feel like a woman! Please, I don't want to die like this! Is there anyone on this airplane that can make me feel like a woman?"
The entire plane went from hysteria to complete silence. Then, from the back of the plane, someone stood up. He was a dark, tall, well-built, handsome man.
"I can make you feel like a woman," was his reply.
He started walking slowly down the isle to the woman, who was now shaking with anticipation. One by one he started unbuttoning his shirt buttons, revealing his rippling stomach muscles. He quickly took his shirt off, slowly reached for her trembling hand, looked in her eyes and said...








"Iron this!"
Very Happy

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:37 pm

Erap's Prayer
Gambling father
who art in jueteng
hakot be thy name
thy kickback come
thy wealth be done,
in Wack-Wack as it is in San Juan .
Give me this day
My daily bribe
And conceal all my sins
As I conceal those who sin along with me
And if I am Led into temptation
Deliver me from! criticism
For mine is the country,
its power, and its money
forever and ever. Amen.

Response:

Aba Ginoong Estrada
Napupuno ka ng kwarta
Ang panginoon ng jueteng ay sumasaiyo
Bukod kang pinagpala sa lahat ng bobo
At pinagpala ka naman ng kay raming
kulasisi mo.

Era! p's Mi ultimo Adios

Mi parte de jueteng wala na.
Mis compadres y lords nabuking na.
Los mansiones de mis
queridas ini-imbistiga
Mis amigos de la Camara el
ultimo pagasa.


Last edited by navigator_acelador08 on Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:38 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : incomplete)

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Tue Jul 07, 2009 2:40 pm

Q: Why do women rub their eyes in the morning? Laughing

( isip-isip)

































































A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch.

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  alvinforbes03 on Fri Jul 10, 2009 3:35 am

pra tanggal muta... afro

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  tolentino_05 on Fri Jul 10, 2009 10:26 am

mmmm kc naghihinala silang malabo ang mata? (nang tumingin sa katabi) hehehe!

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Thu Jul 30, 2009 2:14 pm

......sir andun sa baba yung sagot!!!!

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Mental hospital

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Thu Jul 30, 2009 2:14 pm

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

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THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

Post  Edel Reniedo-Kutukovs 06 on Fri Jul 31, 2009 5:59 pm

THE FUNNIES ON LIFE

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.


**********


Marriage is a three-ring circus: Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.


**********


For Sale: Wedding dress, size 8. Worn once by mistake.


**********



There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman: Before marriage and after marriage.


**********


Why were hurricanes usually named after women? Because when they arrive, they're wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car


**********


An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.


The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."


**********


Reason Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: All the DNA is the same.


**********


I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.


Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?" Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?


**********


Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.


**********


The reason congressmen try so hard to get reelected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.


**********


All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down he aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.


As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.


**********


Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.


**********


Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"


Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said: "I'd like them to say, "Look, he's moving!"


**********


Smith climbs to the top of Mt.Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord... "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute."


Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny."


Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."


**********


A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy What do you think I should do?"


"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"


**********


John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"


**********


A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."


The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"


The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."


A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?" The man said yes and the Rabbi! replied, "Take the poison."


**********

_________________
Claro Caeli

Эдельвина
<(((><


I like to write about women who are talented and capable, but most important, retain their femininity. Women have tremendous power – their femininity, because men can't do without it, -- Sydney Sheldon

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"Distinguish"

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Tue Aug 04, 2009 10:03 am

My sister and I were forced to wait in the car as my mother went to speak to one of our teachers after school. We sat in silence, looking out at the farmland across the road, and occassionally turning around to look through the rear window to see if my mother had returned yet. After a few moments, my sister turned to me and made an announcement.

"I know every word in the world!"

Now, being a whole seven years old, I could hardly believe that my sister, a mere kindergartener, could possibly know more than I did. I decided to test her.

"Oh yeah?" I said haughtily. "Then..." I frantically searched for the most difficult word I could think of. "...What does 'distinguish' mean?"

To my surprise, a grin appeared on her face, and she answered immediately. "Oh, that's an easy one! It means 'to put out a fire'!" lol! lol!

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SEX

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:43 am

SEX is RELIGIOUS: 'Oh, GOD ang laki. SEX is DANGEROUS: 'Aray, ang sakit. 'SEX is ATHLETIC: 'Sige, bilisan mo pa. 'And SEX is DEADLY:'Sige, hugutin mo at PAPATAYIN kita'!!!
drunken drunken

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[strike]Pasahe [/strike]

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Wed Aug 26, 2009 9:48 am

Sa Isang Jeep

Pasahero: Mama, Magkano Po Yung Pasahe?

Driver: 7.50 Yung Minimum

Pasahero: (Dumukot Ito Sa Bulsa Para Kunin Yung Pera Niya, Ngunit sa Di Sinasadyang Dahilan Kulang Yung Pamasahe Niya.) Patay, Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Paano Kaya Ito? (Nag Isip Ito At Lumingon Sa Driver. Napansin Niya Na Duling Ito. Sabi Niya Sa Kanyang Sarili, Tama Duling Yung Driver Sigurado Pag Nagbigay Ako Ng 3.75 di Niya Mapapansin Na Kulang Yung Pera Ko. Kasi Doble Yung Paningin Nito. Inabot Niya Sa Driver Yung Pera.

Ngunit Laking Gulat Niya Nung May Sinabi Yung Driver Sa Kanya.

Driver: Kulang Ito!

Pasahero: Anong Kulang? Di Ba Sabi Mo 7.50 Yung Minimum?

Driver: Oo Nga 7.50 eh Dalawa Kaya Kayo.

Patay! Akala Mo Lusot Kana ha? lol!

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Wed Aug 26, 2009 10:06 am

Sa loob ng simbahan ng Quiapo, isang batang pulubi ang mataimtim na nanalangin sa Diyos.

Pulubi: "Panginoon kung maaari po sana ay bigyan ninyo ako ng sampung piso dahil gutom na gutom na lang po ako."

Narinig sya ng isang pulis na kasalukuyan ding nagsisimba at bumilib sya sa katatagan ng bata sa pananampalataya sa Diyos. Sa kanyang habag ay dumukot sya ng limang piso at iniabot sa bata na ang sabi: "Amang, narinig ng Diyos ang panalangin mo at heto tanggapin mo ang perang ito at ibili mo ng pagkain".

Tumingala ang bata sa pulis, kinuha nya ang limang pisong iniabot at muling yumuko para manalangin: "Panginoon, salamat po sa pagdinig ninyo sa aking panalangin, pero sana naman po sa uli-uli wag na ninyong pararaanin pa sa pulis, kasi malaki na ang bawas".

lol!

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  figuracion05 on Mon Aug 31, 2009 8:46 pm

Fairly Quiet ***

A gentleman is returning home after a lengthy trip, and is met by his servant at the station. This is the conversation that they have on their way to his home:

"So, has anything happened while I've been away?"

"No, sir, I can't think of anything at all worth mentioning."

"Come now, I've been away for weeks. Surely something must have happened in all that time."

"Well, sir, come to think of it, your dog died."

"My *dog* died? How awful! Still, he was getting on in years, and I suppose it had to happen some time. How did he die?"

"The vet said it was probably from eating the rotten meat."

"The rotten meat? Since when do we leave rotten meat lying around for the dog to eat?"

"Well, it was the horses, sir. They'd been rotting for some time after the barn burned down."

"Good heavens. How in the world did the barn burn down?"

"It must have been some embers that blew over from the house, sir."

"The *house*? The house burnt down too? How did the house burn down?"

"Well, sir, we think someone must have knocked over a candle."

"Oh. ... Wait a moment - we don't use candles anymore to light the house! What were the candles doing there?"

"They were there for the wake, sir."

"The wake?!? Whose wake?"

"Your mother's, sir. She passed away quite suddenly."

"Oh my Lord. Mother is dead. The house is gone, along with the stable. Even my dog is dead. What did Mother die of?"

"It must have been the shock, sir."

"The shock."

"Yes, sir, the shock. When your wife ran off with the handyman the day after you left, sir. But aside from all that, it's been fairly quiet while you've been away, sir."

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PRISON Break

Post  navigator_acelador08 on Tue Sep 01, 2009 7:01 pm

Very Happy Very Happy
lol!
The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

Afterwards, he lays back on the bed, totally exhausted.

She nudges him and says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again."

Limply turning his head, He YELLS at her, "Hey, its not a life sentence,
OKAY!

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

Post  figuracion05 on Tue Sep 01, 2009 9:38 pm

Life is Backwards **

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends.

Life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating . . . then finish off as an orgasm.

lol! lol! geek drunken drunken Shocked

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Re: Tawa ka muna dux

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